Well, it has been awhile.
This past month has been a struggle for me, at best. But I
have learned a very important lesson.
Earlier this summer, I wrote about perfectionism, how I have
always strived not only to do my best, but for my best to be better than
everyone else’s best. I acknowledged that it was a problem and how I was trying
to overcome the need to be perfect. Because perfection is not attainable. If it
was, God would not have given us His son Jesus. If we could all just live perfect
lives, we would not need a Savior. And last year and over the course of this
summer, I thought I was making pretty good progress.
I also wrote about my major, physical therapy, and how
demanding the program is, especially this year. And how even though I knew I
was facing a year filled with difficult classes, constant studying, and higher
standards, I would try not to lose sight of what’s important.
That all sounds great, in theory.
Until my fourth year actually began, and I failed the first
quiz in my hardest class. To pass, I needed an 80, and I had a 76. All of my
issues with perfection aside, this was not okay. I no longer needed to be perfect,
but I did need to pass.
That one quiz was all it took to throw me off. Confident,
optimistic Jess instantly transformed into a stressed-out, doubting Jess.
Suddenly the attitude that I blogged about six months ago, the attitude that
came so naturally to me, wasn’t possible to maintain.
Along came my first test and practical in that same class. I
studied a lot. I went to tutoring sessions. I practically begged random strangers to quiz me.
I dreamed about the shoulder joint and scapula. I woke up in the middle of the
night reciting origins, insertions, actions, and innervations of muscles. I
called my dad three times between 1:30 and 4:30 in the morning because I was
crying and couldn’t sleep. I was definitely not myself.
It really is amazing what doubt can do. My way of thinking
changed completely, almost overnight. If I failed that one
quiz, I’ll probably fail the exam and practical. If I fail the exam and
practical, I’ll probably end up failing the entire class. If I fail the entire
class, then I will have to repeat the year. And there are a million reasons why
I don’t think I would be able to do that. And if I can’t repeat the year, then
I can’t finish the doctorate program. If I can’t finish the doctorate program,
then I can’t be a physical therapist. If I can’t be a physical therapist, then
I have no clue what I’m going to do with my life.
See? It was ridiculous. There are more ifs than I can count in that train of thought. (Just
kidding…there’s only six. Ha.) It went on and on and on and on. I was looking
so far ahead. And I was defining myself solely by things of this world. Where was God
in all of this? Where was my faith? My determination?
All of these good things were overshadowed by doubt.
I heard a quote somewhere once that doubting yourself is
doubting the promises and plans that God has made for you, and I firmly believe
that. All along the way, ever since I decided on physical therapy my sophomore
year of high school, God has shown me time and time again that this is exactly
where He wants me to be right now. And while I know that this path might not be
easy, how silly am I to think that just because I did poorly on one quiz that
I’m not cut out to be a physical therapist? That God really wants something
else of me?
Doubt is a very powerful feeling. While it may seem like I
was being overdramatic, the root of my doubts and fears was very much real. It was easy to be optimistic and confident when I was succeeding, but completely different when I acknowledged that failure was a possibility. I
let doubt in, and it took over every aspect of my life for two weeks. I even
struggled with prayer and the Scriptures because of this doubt.
I found out today that I got an A on both my exam and
practical in kinesiology. All of that worrying and doubt, and all for nothing.
The lesson I learned? (Or perhaps re-learned?)
Don’t let things of this world define you. Place your trust
in God. Don’t doubt His goodness or grace. Even when life is difficult and you
are struggling. Which obviously, as I have proven, is much easier written down
than lived out in life. And the bottom line? Regardless of whether or not I
make it successfully through the physical therapy program, as long as I am
living my life to glorify God, nothing
else matters.
As long as I am living
my life to glorify God, nothing else matters.
As long as I am living
my life to glorify God, nothing else matters.
As long as I am living
my life to glorify God, nothing else matters.
Maybe this year, that needs to be my mantra. I know that
these past two weeks are only the beginning of my struggles. In fact, I should
be studying for the gross anatomy exam and practical I have tomorrow, even
though I’ve been studying constantly the past week. But the next time things
seem impossible, or I start to doubt myself, I need to spend some time in the
Word, reading about the promises God has made for me.
“I said, ‘My strength
is gone, and I have no hope in the Lord.’ But I have hope when I think of this:
The Lord’s love never ends; His mercies never stop. They are new every morning;
Lord, Your loyalty is great. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is mine, so I hope in
Him.’” –Lamentations 3:18, 21-24
“Jesus said, ‘Don’t
let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust in me. I leave you peace;
my peace I give you. I do not give it to you as the world does. So don’t let
your hearts be troubled or afraid.’” –John 14:1, 27
“Give your worries to
the Lord, and he will take care of you.” –Psalm 55:22
from Jess, with love
always
