Physical therapy school isn’t easy. The program demands academic excellence and dedication to your learning. The curriculum is challenging and the grading scale is harsh. It requires focus and time-management skills. For me, though, all of the demands and requirements aren’t the hardest part (yet?).
The hardest part is not losing sight of what’s really important. It’s so easy to get caught up in the stress of studying constantly, trying (and often failing) to get perfect grades, and balancing school stuff with “me time”. I have to constantly remind myself not to let my academic performance define me. I have struggled my whole life with perfectionism. My goal has never simply been to “do my best”….my best needed to be better than everyone else’s best. This goal began with academics, but soon expanded to all other areas of my life. I thrived on all the praise that my countless awards and achievements brought me.
I can’t exactly say when or why things changed, but one day it hit me. I was experiencing a lot of self-induced stress because in college, much like the rest of my academic career, I had decided to become involved in every organization I could and take as many classes as I was allowed. I was “super-Jess” in the eyes of many of my fellow students, and that was a role I was clinging to despite the strain it was putting on my relationship with God and my relationship with my family. And even though I was achieving everything I had intended, being “super-Jess” was draining me physically, mentally, and emotionally.
In a moment where I was surrounded by all of my ‘obligations’ and feeling particularly overwhelmed, I looked up to God, and silently asked, Why am I doing all of this? I stopped everything and thought long and hard about the purpose of each of my commitments. I sat in silence, and some time later, I heard a small voice inside my head.
To gain the praise and admiration of others.
What? That couldn’t be it.
There had to be another reason. Surely I was doing these things because I enjoyed them. Or because it was benefiting others in some way.
To gain the praise and admiration of others.
…
…
Nope, that’ s it.
I was momentarily stunned, and more than a little ashamed. While there were some activities I did truly enjoy, most were simply another line on my resume. Another reason for someone to look at me and say, “Wow, how do you do it all?”
Over the next few days, I reflected on what I truly desired in life. I wanted to be a reflection of God’s love, His faithful servant, a caring friend, and one day, a successful physical therapist and a loving wife and mother.
That is where I find myself today.
It has been a long process, but I have finally accepted the fact that my academic performance and my involvement in college don’t have much bearing on the long-term goals I want to achieve. I might not always get an A, I might not graduate the top of my class, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be a good physical therapist. People might not always acknowledge the good things I do, but God does, and that’s all that should matter. I will never be perfect, but that’s okay, because God knows that I will make mistakes and fall from grace. I am trying to fill my life with meaningful things, activities that I enjoy and people that will help me grow. And I am finding that my load has been so much lighter and life has been so much more enjoyable.
I know that next year, school will be even more challenging, but hopefully by giving a little more control to God and not relying on the praise of others, I will make it through just fine. And I have a whole summer to strengthen my relationship with God and my relationship with my family.
from Jess, with love<3
always
from Jess, with love<3
always
"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you." Philippians 3:12-15
