dedicated to my father (and mother)...

....a poem inspired by both of my parents. I figured Father's Day was as good a day as any to share it.  It is currently on display at each house in a fancy frame on rainbow-colored paper (courtesy of Deb). :)

_____________________________________________

The Best & Worst of You is Me

I sing praises to you for I have your eyes
         And your crooked smile which captivates the world,
         And the prominent line of your jaw and high cheekbones that supermodels envy
         You even gave me your cocoa-colored hair—though at times it’s almost unmanageable--
         And it was only the other day when someone told me I talked just like you did, waving my hands wildly, my voice increasing in pitch with every syllable, my million words becoming a single one because breathing was a foreign concept.
I sing praises to you for I feel you in each step
         As I venture down the street, your blood pumping through my veins
         My heart beating with your love and compassion and generosity
         Giving to those who know you and those who don’t and then the ones who don’t wish they knew you.
I sing praises to you for you are my greatest teacher
         Sometimes it’s what you do, not what you say,
         And mistakes lead to yelling which lead to crying which lead to “I’m sorry’s” and hugs that make everything okay
         Eyeliner and mascara and powder can hide imperfections of the face but they do nothing for the impurities of the mind and soul and my beauty can’t be purchased but comes from the light that you have shown me
I sing praises to you for sometimes I can be too stubborn
         I often forget that being wrong is not synonymous with being defeated
         You should never underestimate a person or judge someone or make the boy who sits behind you on the bus feel like they will never be as good as you are because one day they might be better.
         And that if you tell someone you hate them and that they are ruining your life  you can apologize and they might forgive you but they will not forget –I said that to you once and still today it sometimes comes up in conversation.
And I sing praises to you because nothing is impossible
         Bruises can cover every inch of your body and the scars will probably never fade but you can dance and laugh and tell the world that pain is just a state of mind
         And I will dance and laugh with you because even though the world thinks you’re crazy I believe with every ounce of my being that you are absolutely right, pain is just a state of mind
         And there is enough of you in me to keep my head held high long after you are gone.

9/18/10

the aftermath

Tuesday night Hillsong United came to St. Louis and my mom got me tickets for my 21^st birthday. In my opinion, Hillsong United is one of the best Christian worship bands there is, and definitely my favorite worship band, so I was ecstatic that I was finally going to get to see them live.

While the concert itself was unbelievable –there is nothing quite like worshipping the Lord with over 10,000 other people- and the band members all performed with such energy, sincerity and passion, what stuck with me through the concert, and is still on my mind today, was the title of their latest CD and also the name of their tour, Aftermath.

af·ter·math  /ˈaftərˌmaTH/ n.  

1. A consequence, especially of a disaster or misfortune

2. A period of time following a disastrous event

(you can listen to the song here if you want)
hillsong united-aftermath


One of the band members explained the meaning behind the title, and it was a wonderful analogy. I am all about the analogies. Love ‘em. haha Anyway, I am going to do some paraphrasing here, and I’m sure what I write won’t be nearly as eloquent as what was said at the concert, but I’m trying. :) Basically, using the title ‘aftermath’ was a play on words. And how, if we didn’t have Jesus in our lives, we would be living in the aftermath of our mistakes, our failures, our pain, our hopelessness. Instead, because Jesus came and died for all of our sins, we are able to live in the aftermath of THE CROSS. This means we are able to live freely with grace and hope and love and joy, despite all of the things we will face in this world. Because of Jesus, the aftermath of the cross will eventually, for us, become eternal life with our Father in Heaven.

So of course I started thinking….I know, I know. I think too much. Maybe that should be the tagline for my blog. And I asked myself a simple but remarkable question.

What would my life look like without Jesus?

Maybe you know. Maybe you are living a life without Jesus. As for me, I grew up in the church. As far I was concerned, there was never a doubt in my mind about the existence of God or the truth of the Bible. Although I’ve had ups and downs, times where I only had a faith of convenience, times when God didn’t always come first, He has always been there. In high school, especially my senior year, I faced a lot of trials that made turning to God difficult. But by His grace, just when I was starting to lose sight of what was truly important, college began presenting me with opportunities to grow closer to God. I began to develop a personal relationship with God, one where I saw God as not just a creator, a judge, or some abstract idea, but as a friend.

I know some people think this is crazy. But because of this relationship, because of my faith, I am living an incredibly blessed life where each day seems more beautiful than the next, and when bad things happen, they are an opportunity for God to work in my life.

It took me a long time to get to this point. As I mentioned above, before college, God was present in my life, but he wasn’t the focus of my life. When I realized this, my whole world was turned upside down. I spent most of my teenage years with a strange emptiness in me. No matter how many friends I had, no matter how many things I accomplished or achieved, no matter how many places I went, there was always something missing. Relationships never worked out. Medicine and science failed me. I wasn’t always ‘the best’. I let people take advantage of me. I was betrayed. Let down. The media misled me. People in my life disappointed me. They disappeared. They changed. Things in my life happened that I couldn’t control. That I felt I didn’t deserve. And the list goes on and on…

Really, my story isn’t that different than anyone else’s. We all struggle. We all experience heartbreak and suffering on different levels.

But that place in my heart, the one that couldn’t be filled by relationships, or money, or material objects, or accomplishments? With the help of some amazing friends, the Bible, and a lot of prayer, I realized that this emptiness could only be filled by God. God created each of us with a place in our hearts that is meant for only Him. And if we truly believe this, in life we will never feel alone, or forgotten, or empty. We will find comfort and peace in the Lord. Because this world WILL let us down. We are going to face adversity. We will lose loved ones. We will lose our jobs. We will lose our homes. Some of us will lose our sight, or our memory, or the ability to walk. We won’t always have enough money to get the things we want. The person we love won’t always love us back. The life we live might not always turn out the way we planned. What we forget sometimes, what is so easy to forget when facing suffering, is that this world is only temporary. God, Jesus, Heaven….they are forever. And because we are living in the aftermath of the cross, it changes everything.

I am so thankful that it’s not just me that has the opportunity to live in the aftermath of the cross. Jesus didn’t just die for me. He died for all of us. And if you don’t believe that you can live this life in the aftermath of the cross, I pray that God will open your heart and your mind to the beauty and abundance of His promises. :)

For me, life without the cross would be despair. Bitterness. Brokenness. Anger. Hate. Fear. Pain. But because of the sacrifice that Jesus made, and my relationship with God, I am living a life of grace. Mercy. Joy. Hope. Love.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." –John 16:33

From Jess, with love<3

always

a prayer/poem for the days I feel inadequate...

A reminder that while the things of this world may bring joy and happiness indefinitely, every soul yearns for a love that only God can provide, and His love is eternal. God made you who you are, and promises that He will never forsake you. Let God, not the world, define you. Be who GOD says you are. :)

*Inspired by 2 Corinthians 5:16-19, Psalm 139:13-16, Ephesians 2:10, and Isaiah 49:15-16

Today, God,

Your love will be ENOUGH.

I will be radiant because

You have given me new life.

I will believe that I am beautiful

Because You made me in Your image.

I will be joyful because my identity

Is found not in things of this world,

But in YOU.

I will be confident, because when

I doubt myself, I am doubting

That You are a God who makes

all things possible.

Today I will give up resisting.

Today I will be who You say I am.

Today, I will be obedient.

My desire will be to do Your will.

I will choose to be captivated by

Your mercy and grace.

I will not seek fulfillment in relationships,

Possessions, or accomplishments.

And even when I am alone,

I will not feel empty.

Today, God,

Your love will be enough.

(4/10/11)

from Jess, with love <3

always

You would have never guessed it....

...but I have another little sister as well. I felt kind of bad for not even mentioning her the other day. We call her StephyJ, and she's 13 going on absolutely adorable! She reminds me of a strange combination of myself and Jenn. Like Jenn, she’s musically talented (in fact, as I type this, she’s downstairs learning a Foo Fighters song on her new electric guitar), and like me, she enjoys acting and musicals. She’s smart but doesn’t like school. She looks more like me (only much cuter!) with her brown hair and dark complexion. She loves to write, like me, but she is definitely more messy, like Jenn. She’s very mature for her age, which is probably why we get along so well. And she has a sense of humor like no other. When the three of us get together (and we’re not fighting), you are guaranteed at least a million laughs. I can pretty much con her into helping with any of my ‘projects’, which include anything from arts and crafts to baking extravaganzas to outdoor adventures.

I was too young to really remember Jenn being born, but when Steph arrived, I was 8 years old. I was so excited when Mom and Dad told me I was going to have ANOTHER baby sister to cuddle and, yes, boss around. :) We have quite a few hours of home video where I talk about my new baby sister and make up songs and dances about her. I even (much to my mother’s embarrassment, and now over 10 years later, my own) asked my classmates and teachers to make cards and get gifts for her and my mother. I still have that huge box of cards. My favorites were “Debi, it’s gonna be a BOY!” and “If you have your baby and don’t like it, I could probably keep it for you.” And the baby illustrations provided by a bunch of 7, 8, and 9-year-olds were priceless. The day she was born, I was coming back from a field trip and the bus dropped me off at the hospital on our way past so I could go see her. It was one of the most exciting moments of my life!

She has grown up quite a bit since then. Now she’s a little fashion diva. And she’s almost taller than Jenn and me. She’s always reminding us that her doctor says she is going to be 5’7”….my 5’4¾” self hopes that’s not the case. The oldest should be the tallest, in my humble opinion. :) Anyway, this weekend we have had plenty of bonding time because Jenn has been working and going to graduation parties. We spend a lot of time these days watching the old school Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys shows from the 70s…I’ve got her hooked! The other day StephyJ decided she wanted to make ice cream cone cupcakes….only we didn’t have any ice cream cones or sprinkles. So she convinced Mom to take us to the grocery store. It turned out to be quite an interesting trip. I got the sprinkles and some more icing, and Steph got Reese’s Puffs cereal, a Lunchable, and a magazine, pulling a classic Stephani. Five minutes after we left, I all of a sudden remembered that we’d forgotten the cones. Oops. When we finally made it home, there was quite the surprise waiting for us…

 Yep, apparently in our short absence, it hailed…..a lot! It was mostly melted by the time we got home, so I can’t imagine how big it was originally, but I’m glad we missed it. Finally Steph and I started making our ice cream cone cupcakes. Steph wanted yellow cake with chocolate icing and I wanted chocolate cake with white icing, and neither of us were willing to compromise. So…..

…we ended up with 48 ice cream cone cupcakes. Yikes. Too bad everyone in our house is trying to watch their weight and eat healthy. One of those cupcakes probably equals 3 miles on the treadmill for Jess. However, they look absolutely delicious! Ice cream cone cupcakes, anyone?

Then yesterday we went shopping and to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4, for the second time. We just love that movie. And Johnny Depp. And whoever plays the cute preacher boy. Haha I love shopping with Steph because we have similar taste in clothes, and plus, she will tell you how it is when trying on clothes. I wish I would have had an older sister to take me shopping and loan me $40. Poor Dad hung out in Cabela’s while we shopped. He used to be quite the shopper but I don’t think he has it in him anymore. Lol

Today we are going to a Memorial Day service with the fam, and then who knows what adventures we will have! Maybe washing Mom's car, since it's going to be a gazillion degrees today. lol Even though today is just another 'day off' for some people, I'm hoping that America doesn't forget what this day is really about. There are countless men and women who have died so that we could be free. Fathers, mothers, daughters, sons, that have sacrificed everything to make sure America stays "the land of the free and home of the brave". I pray that God rewards their bravery and protects all of the men and women serving today!

So all in all, Stephyj and I have had quite the successful weekend! Happy Memorial Day, everyone! :)

from Jess, with love <3

always

another one prepares to leave the nest...

It’s hard to believe, but tonight my family will be celebrating the graduation of my little sister Jenna…although at almost 18, she’s not really “little” anymore. Just yesterday, I was the one graduating high school. Only “yesterday” was actually 3 years ago. So I guess maybe there’s some distortion of reality here.

Even though Jenn drives me crazy sometimes, and if you ask her, I drive her crazy all the time, I am so proud of her. I know that when she started high school people had expectations of her that were based on my high school performance, and I’m sure that wasn’t easy for her. We are two very different people; about the only thing we share is our parents, bright blue eyes, and a love for music (although for the most part it’s very different types of music...haha). While I am more serious and goal-oriented, Jenn is carefree and laid-back. I am more academically talented; she is more athletically talented. We are practically mirror opposites. But just because we are different doesn’t mean her accomplishments are any less or more important than mine, and it’s not easy to make her understand this.

High school is hard for so many different reasons, and one of them is that there is so much weight put on academic excellence. Anyone who doesn’t excel academically tends to get lost in the shuffle. Jenn has so many gifts, but you can’t measure her achievements on a grading scale. She’s a devoted friend, an amazing singer, a self-taught guitarist, a talented volleyball player, and the best center-fielder I know (despite having to sit out her senior year due to an injury).

However, as I said in my speech when I graduated (yesterday, of course!), “You are more than an A on a test, more than the winning touchdown, more than a plaque on the wall. Each one of you is a unique individual with the ability to leave this world a better place than you found it.” And this is so true for Jenn. Ten years from now, high school won’t matter.  Jenn is going to go places in life, and people will remember her, but it will be for her unique personality, caring heart, and (hopefully!) her musical talent.

She probably doesn’t remember it (and maybe she would deny it if she did), but when she was younger (much younger), she looked up to me. We spent many a day dressing up our kittens in doll clothes, catching crawdads in the creek, and “adopting” critters we found on the farm. We camped out in the backyard, put on finger puppet shows, and ate Play-Doh together (yup, kinda gross but totally true). I would give anything to go back to those days when all we had was each other (although we can leave out the Play-Doh eating part…haha). We still have our good moments, but I know we probably spend more time these days arguing than anything else. And while I know most siblings have their fair share of fights, I hope that Jenn’s graduation is a new beginning for us as sisters as well as a new beginning for her life. I would love for us to one day be best friends and not just sisters. Because a lot of things have changed, but one thing stays the same; we are part of a family, and when it comes to the brightest of days and the darkest of nights, all we have in life is God, and the love of our family.

So congrats to my “little” sis Jenn (aka Rockstarr Jenn) and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you! I’m sure it will be bright, bold, and beautiful! :) 

from Jess, with love <3

always

Hit the Ground Running....

Sometimes, that's the best way to do things. I'm a thinker by nature. I struggle with control and perfectionism. So just by knowing those few things, you might not be surprised to find out that I have been debating for weeks -honest, I have- on how to begin this blog. I had to ask myself the question, Why exactly are you doing this again? It's not like I'm new to the whole blogging thing. I've had several try-and-fail blogs, and though most of them never made it past 200 entries, they present an genuine picture of my growth from an awkward, insecure teenager to a strong, confident, 20-something woman.

When I'm looking back at those blogs, I can see why they didn't work. The day I stopped writing for myself was the exact moment when the blogs became a chore. I wasn't writing what I wanted to write; I was writing what I thought others wanted me to write. I was trying too hard. I had grown so accustomed to comments about how my entries were 'hilarious' and 'insightful' and 'inspiring' that I was afraid to post anything not up to that standard. And now that I know what I was doing wrong, maybe I'll have better luck with this blog.

But of course, this blog is public. Because writing for myself means writing from my heart. And while it doesn't matter to me whether I have one devoted reader or fifty, I would love for my words to have a positive impact on someone else's life. I am young, but I have a passion for God, my family, and life that is hopefully evident in my writing. There are so many things I love, and so many wonderful experiences that I want to share with others. Life hasn't always been easy, but I have never once been able to forget how incredibly blessed I have been. I have a heart full of love and life and that is something I want to offer to every person I meet.

from jess, with love <3