the aftermath

Tuesday night Hillsong United came to St. Louis and my mom got me tickets for my 21^st birthday. In my opinion, Hillsong United is one of the best Christian worship bands there is, and definitely my favorite worship band, so I was ecstatic that I was finally going to get to see them live.

While the concert itself was unbelievable –there is nothing quite like worshipping the Lord with over 10,000 other people- and the band members all performed with such energy, sincerity and passion, what stuck with me through the concert, and is still on my mind today, was the title of their latest CD and also the name of their tour, Aftermath.

af·ter·math  /ˈaftərˌmaTH/ n.  

1. A consequence, especially of a disaster or misfortune

2. A period of time following a disastrous event

(you can listen to the song here if you want)
hillsong united-aftermath


One of the band members explained the meaning behind the title, and it was a wonderful analogy. I am all about the analogies. Love ‘em. haha Anyway, I am going to do some paraphrasing here, and I’m sure what I write won’t be nearly as eloquent as what was said at the concert, but I’m trying. :) Basically, using the title ‘aftermath’ was a play on words. And how, if we didn’t have Jesus in our lives, we would be living in the aftermath of our mistakes, our failures, our pain, our hopelessness. Instead, because Jesus came and died for all of our sins, we are able to live in the aftermath of THE CROSS. This means we are able to live freely with grace and hope and love and joy, despite all of the things we will face in this world. Because of Jesus, the aftermath of the cross will eventually, for us, become eternal life with our Father in Heaven.

So of course I started thinking….I know, I know. I think too much. Maybe that should be the tagline for my blog. And I asked myself a simple but remarkable question.

What would my life look like without Jesus?

Maybe you know. Maybe you are living a life without Jesus. As for me, I grew up in the church. As far I was concerned, there was never a doubt in my mind about the existence of God or the truth of the Bible. Although I’ve had ups and downs, times where I only had a faith of convenience, times when God didn’t always come first, He has always been there. In high school, especially my senior year, I faced a lot of trials that made turning to God difficult. But by His grace, just when I was starting to lose sight of what was truly important, college began presenting me with opportunities to grow closer to God. I began to develop a personal relationship with God, one where I saw God as not just a creator, a judge, or some abstract idea, but as a friend.

I know some people think this is crazy. But because of this relationship, because of my faith, I am living an incredibly blessed life where each day seems more beautiful than the next, and when bad things happen, they are an opportunity for God to work in my life.

It took me a long time to get to this point. As I mentioned above, before college, God was present in my life, but he wasn’t the focus of my life. When I realized this, my whole world was turned upside down. I spent most of my teenage years with a strange emptiness in me. No matter how many friends I had, no matter how many things I accomplished or achieved, no matter how many places I went, there was always something missing. Relationships never worked out. Medicine and science failed me. I wasn’t always ‘the best’. I let people take advantage of me. I was betrayed. Let down. The media misled me. People in my life disappointed me. They disappeared. They changed. Things in my life happened that I couldn’t control. That I felt I didn’t deserve. And the list goes on and on…

Really, my story isn’t that different than anyone else’s. We all struggle. We all experience heartbreak and suffering on different levels.

But that place in my heart, the one that couldn’t be filled by relationships, or money, or material objects, or accomplishments? With the help of some amazing friends, the Bible, and a lot of prayer, I realized that this emptiness could only be filled by God. God created each of us with a place in our hearts that is meant for only Him. And if we truly believe this, in life we will never feel alone, or forgotten, or empty. We will find comfort and peace in the Lord. Because this world WILL let us down. We are going to face adversity. We will lose loved ones. We will lose our jobs. We will lose our homes. Some of us will lose our sight, or our memory, or the ability to walk. We won’t always have enough money to get the things we want. The person we love won’t always love us back. The life we live might not always turn out the way we planned. What we forget sometimes, what is so easy to forget when facing suffering, is that this world is only temporary. God, Jesus, Heaven….they are forever. And because we are living in the aftermath of the cross, it changes everything.

I am so thankful that it’s not just me that has the opportunity to live in the aftermath of the cross. Jesus didn’t just die for me. He died for all of us. And if you don’t believe that you can live this life in the aftermath of the cross, I pray that God will open your heart and your mind to the beauty and abundance of His promises. :)

For me, life without the cross would be despair. Bitterness. Brokenness. Anger. Hate. Fear. Pain. But because of the sacrifice that Jesus made, and my relationship with God, I am living a life of grace. Mercy. Joy. Hope. Love.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." –John 16:33

From Jess, with love<3

always

giving in to God...

Usually I don’t find the news very inspiring. The only reason I watch the news anyway is to see what else is going on in the world (even if it’s not always an accurate picture). But I definitely don’t view the 5 o’clock news as my source of inspiration for the day. Until I heard this story.

The story was about one of the local high school baseball players that was picked in the 26^th round during the MLB draft for the Cardinals. (You can view part of the story here: http://www.ksdk.com/news/article/262329/188/Francis-Howell-senior-drafted-by-the-Cardinals) He also had a scholarship to play baseball at Mizzou. On being asked how he would ever decide between a college education and his dream of being a Cardinal, Graves responded, “Whatever happens, happens. God’s going to put me in the right spot and do what he wants with my life. He will put me where I need to be.” In a society that rarely acknowledges God in the media, I was surprised to hear Graves’ answer. Surprised, but inspired. It was awesome to hear someone so young and so in the spotlight publicly announce that he was just waiting and trusting in the Lord’s plan.

This, of course, reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11, and how that verse has rang true in my life, especially in recent months. It has always been one of my favorite verses, but I have never been able to truly accept it.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

As much as I love the Lord, I do struggle with letting Him have control of my life. I am a planner, a go-getter, a doer. It drives me crazy when things don’t follow my plan. If I want something, I work hard to get it. If something needs done, I do it. I don’t like to ‘sit back’ and just let things happen. I like to be in control, but at the same time, convince myself that really, I am trusting in the Lord’s plan.

And yet here is a verse from the Bible that reminds me I am NOT in control. God promises that I will have a future filled with prosperity and hope. He tells me that HE is the ultimate planner. He knows where I will be every step of the way. I should take comfort –and even rejoice- in the fact that the same God who created the sun, the moon and stars, the beautiful land that I live on, also created the blueprint of my life. There is nothing that will happen or that I will do in the future that God didn't plan, or that He doesn't know about.

At the same time, I realize I can’t just sit on my couch all day, every day, doing nothing, and expect to be a part of God’s plan. So how, then, do you know if what you are doing is what God has planned for you?

Jeremiah 29 goes on to say

 “Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” –Jeremiah 29:12-13

To me, this verse answers that question. Seek the Lord, and you will find Him. Seek the Lord and you will find Him. Spend time daily in God’s Word. Have conversations with Him. Pray, pray, pray. And when you seek God with your WHOLE heart, He promises that you WILL find him. Not may, but will.

How has this worked in my life? Last December I started praying about a mission trip that I really wanted to go on. I’ve only been on one other mission trip, but it was the single most amazing experience of my life, and I’m seriously considering mission work as a physical therapist in the future. The only problem was that the trip was through a radio station (99.1 JoyFM) and open to everyone who wanted to go….except the team could only have 50 people. I did make it on the team, and then ran into another problem. The cost of the trip was quite a bit more expensive than I expected, and I didn’t know how I would ever be able to afford it, especially since I was a full-time college student with a part-time job. And the final payment for the trip was due before I even began my summer job.

I’d always heard people say that if your plan was God’s plan, all the details would fall into place. But, of course, because I was the one in control, I just didn’t understand how $2200 was just going to appear for this trip. An amazing friend of mine, who has really been an inspiration to me spiritually, suggested praying about the funding for the trip and maybe even sending out letters asking for donations.

Absolutely not.

That was my immediate response. I did not ask people for money. I took pride in my ability to provide myself with the things in life I needed –with a little help from my parents. There was no way I would send out letters asking other people to give me this trip. Not even if it was for me to help others.

And so I prayed. And prayed. And prayed some more.

But no matter what I did, the idea of donation letters would not leave my mind. And the more I prayed, the stronger my desire to go on this trip was. Every time I sat down on the computer, I was tempted to start typing a letter- just to see if I could come up with anything that might convince someone that my cause was worthy of a donation. Until one day, I sat down and actually did write the letter. And I promise you this; they were not my own words, but God’s. And while I did ask for money, I made sure the recipients knew that I would be grateful for whatever they could contribute, even if it was simply prayers. I knew I would be needing a lot of prayer over the next few months in preparation for the trip. Then I called my mom, borrowed our family address book, and started addressing the 50 envelopes by hand.

By the time I finished all of the letters and sent them out, there was exactly one month until the final payment for the trip was due. I continued praying faithfully that God would place a desire on the hearts of my family and friends to contribute to my mission. Three days later, my mom called me and told me I’d received my first check in the mail. It was for $50, and from someone that I hadn’t expected would donate at all. The next day, I received two checks for $25. And it continued….every day my mom called to tell me about more donations that I’d received. $250, $50, $100, $25, $10, even $5. Most of the donations came with lovely, inspiring notes of support and encouragement which will be traveling with me to Colombia this summer. :)

I was so overwhelmed by everyone’s support and generosity. On May 7^th, a week before the final payment was due, I was able to pay off my remaining balance for the trip. In less than a month, I received $2,200. I couldn’t believe it. All the people in my life were an amazing reflection of God’s love. And now I am convinced that God wants me to be in Colombia this summer. Thanks to Him, and the monetary support I have received, I am going to Colombia and lives are going to be changed-mine included. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for my mission team and the people of Colombia!

And so with this experience, God showed me that with Him, all things are possible. When we let God’s plan for us become our plan for us, great things will happen. Whatever God has planned for you and for me will be a thousand times more amazing than anything we could have imagined. :)

from Jess, with love<3

always

a prayer/poem for the days I feel inadequate...

A reminder that while the things of this world may bring joy and happiness indefinitely, every soul yearns for a love that only God can provide, and His love is eternal. God made you who you are, and promises that He will never forsake you. Let God, not the world, define you. Be who GOD says you are. :)

*Inspired by 2 Corinthians 5:16-19, Psalm 139:13-16, Ephesians 2:10, and Isaiah 49:15-16

Today, God,

Your love will be ENOUGH.

I will be radiant because

You have given me new life.

I will believe that I am beautiful

Because You made me in Your image.

I will be joyful because my identity

Is found not in things of this world,

But in YOU.

I will be confident, because when

I doubt myself, I am doubting

That You are a God who makes

all things possible.

Today I will give up resisting.

Today I will be who You say I am.

Today, I will be obedient.

My desire will be to do Your will.

I will choose to be captivated by

Your mercy and grace.

I will not seek fulfillment in relationships,

Possessions, or accomplishments.

And even when I am alone,

I will not feel empty.

Today, God,

Your love will be enough.

(4/10/11)

from Jess, with love <3

always

113 days of summer...

That’s what I have to look forward to. Over one hundred days free from homework, paper-writing, 8 ams, and exams! Third year of physical therapy school, check. Only three and a half years left. Good thing I love college. And my classes. And I know I’m going to love being a physical therapist. So that (and a doctorate degree) will make all this hard work worth it.

Physical therapy school isn’t easy. The program demands academic excellence and dedication to your learning. The curriculum is challenging and the grading scale is harsh. It requires focus and time-management skills. For me, though, all of the demands and requirements aren’t the hardest part (yet?).

The hardest part is not losing sight of what’s really important. It’s so easy to get caught up in the stress of studying constantly, trying (and often failing) to get perfect grades, and balancing school stuff with “me time”. I have to constantly remind myself not to let my academic performance define me. I have struggled my whole life with perfectionism. My goal has never simply been to “do my best”….my best needed to be better than everyone else’s best. This goal began with academics, but soon expanded to all other areas of my life. I thrived on all the praise that my countless awards and achievements brought me.

I can’t exactly say when or why things changed, but one day it hit me. I was experiencing a lot of self-induced stress because in college, much like the rest of my academic career, I had decided to become involved in every organization I could and take as many classes as I was allowed. I was “super-Jess” in the eyes of many of my fellow students, and that was a role I was clinging to despite the strain it was putting on my relationship with God and my relationship with my family. And even though I was achieving everything I had intended, being “super-Jess” was draining me physically, mentally, and emotionally.

In a moment where I was surrounded by all of my ‘obligations’ and feeling particularly overwhelmed, I looked up to God, and silently asked, Why am I doing all of this? I stopped everything and thought long and hard about the purpose of each of my commitments. I sat in silence, and some time later, I heard a small voice inside my head.

To gain the praise and admiration of others.

What? That couldn’t be it.

There had to be another reason. Surely I was doing these things because I enjoyed them. Or because it was benefiting others in some way.

To gain the praise and admiration of others.

…

…

Nope, that’ s it.

I was momentarily stunned, and more than a little ashamed. While there were some activities I did truly enjoy, most were simply another line on my resume. Another reason for someone to look at me and say, “Wow, how do you do it all?”

Over the next few days, I reflected on what I truly desired in life. I wanted to be a reflection of God’s love, His faithful servant, a caring friend, and one day, a successful physical therapist and a loving wife and mother.

That is where I find myself today.

It has been a long process, but I have finally accepted the fact that my academic performance and my involvement in college don’t have much bearing on the long-term goals I want to achieve. I might not always get an A, I might not graduate the top of my class, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be a good physical therapist. People might not always acknowledge the good things I do, but God does, and that’s all that should matter. I will never be perfect, but that’s okay, because God knows that I will make mistakes and fall from grace. I am trying to fill my life with meaningful things, activities that I enjoy and people that will help me grow. And I am finding that my load has been so much lighter and life has been so much more enjoyable.

I know that next year, school will be even more challenging, but hopefully by giving a little more control to God and not relying on the praise of others, I will make it through just fine. And I have a whole summer to strengthen my relationship with God and my relationship with my family.

from Jess, with love<3
always

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you." Philippians 3:12-15

Hit the Ground Running....

Sometimes, that's the best way to do things. I'm a thinker by nature. I struggle with control and perfectionism. So just by knowing those few things, you might not be surprised to find out that I have been debating for weeks -honest, I have- on how to begin this blog. I had to ask myself the question, Why exactly are you doing this again? It's not like I'm new to the whole blogging thing. I've had several try-and-fail blogs, and though most of them never made it past 200 entries, they present an genuine picture of my growth from an awkward, insecure teenager to a strong, confident, 20-something woman.

When I'm looking back at those blogs, I can see why they didn't work. The day I stopped writing for myself was the exact moment when the blogs became a chore. I wasn't writing what I wanted to write; I was writing what I thought others wanted me to write. I was trying too hard. I had grown so accustomed to comments about how my entries were 'hilarious' and 'insightful' and 'inspiring' that I was afraid to post anything not up to that standard. And now that I know what I was doing wrong, maybe I'll have better luck with this blog.

But of course, this blog is public. Because writing for myself means writing from my heart. And while it doesn't matter to me whether I have one devoted reader or fifty, I would love for my words to have a positive impact on someone else's life. I am young, but I have a passion for God, my family, and life that is hopefully evident in my writing. There are so many things I love, and so many wonderful experiences that I want to share with others. Life hasn't always been easy, but I have never once been able to forget how incredibly blessed I have been. I have a heart full of love and life and that is something I want to offer to every person I meet.

from jess, with love <3