Love that lasts a lifetime...

"We love because He first loved us." 

-1 John 4:19

Today is all about love.

................

God IS love.

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Friends, family, and significant others are special, but don't forget that God loves you, too.

He loves you more than anyone ever has.

He loves you more than anyone ever will.

Sometimes we don't always feel God's love.

But He is always there. 

His love is unchanging.

...unfailing

...neverending

He loved you so much that He sent His only Son to die for you. For me. For the world. For all of our sins, past, present, and future.  So that one day we might have eternal life with God and His Son in heaven.

Now THAT is something to be cherished and celebrated.

Overshadowed by doubt....

Well, it has been awhile.

This past month has been a struggle for me, at best. But I have learned a very important lesson.

Earlier this summer, I wrote about perfectionism, how I have always strived not only to do my best, but for my best to be better than everyone else’s best. I acknowledged that it was a problem and how I was trying to overcome the need to be perfect. Because perfection is not attainable. If it was, God would not have given us His son Jesus. If we could all just live perfect lives, we would not need a Savior. And last year and over the course of this summer, I thought I was making pretty good progress.

I also wrote about my major, physical therapy, and how demanding the program is, especially this year. And how even though I knew I was facing a year filled with difficult classes, constant studying, and higher standards, I would try not to lose sight of what’s important.

That all sounds great, in theory.

Until my fourth year actually began, and I failed the first quiz in my hardest class. To pass, I needed an 80, and I had a 76. All of my issues with perfection aside, this was not okay. I no longer needed to be perfect, but I did need to pass.

That one quiz was all it took to throw me off. Confident, optimistic Jess instantly transformed into a stressed-out, doubting Jess. Suddenly the attitude that I blogged about six months ago, the attitude that came so naturally to me, wasn’t possible to maintain.

Along came my first test and practical in that same class. I studied a lot. I went to tutoring sessions. I practically begged random strangers to quiz me. I dreamed about the shoulder joint and scapula. I woke up in the middle of the night reciting origins, insertions, actions, and innervations of muscles. I called my dad three times between 1:30 and 4:30 in the morning because I was crying and couldn’t sleep. I was definitely not myself.

It really is amazing what doubt can do. My way of thinking changed completely, almost overnight. If I failed that one quiz, I’ll probably fail the exam and practical. If I fail the exam and practical, I’ll probably end up failing the entire class. If I fail the entire class, then I will have to repeat the year. And there are a million reasons why I don’t think I would be able to do that. And if I can’t repeat the year, then I can’t finish the doctorate program. If I can’t finish the doctorate program, then I can’t be a physical therapist. If I can’t be a physical therapist, then I have no clue what I’m going to do with my life.

See? It was ridiculous. There are more ifs than I can count in that train of thought. (Just kidding…there’s only six. Ha.) It went on and on and on and on. I was looking so far ahead. And I was defining myself solely by things of this world. Where was God in all of this? Where was my faith? My determination?

All of these good things were overshadowed by doubt.

I heard a quote somewhere once that doubting yourself is doubting the promises and plans that God has made for you, and I firmly believe that. All along the way, ever since I decided on physical therapy my sophomore year of high school, God has shown me time and time again that this is exactly where He wants me to be right now. And while I know that this path might not be easy, how silly am I to think that just because I did poorly on one quiz that I’m not cut out to be a physical therapist? That God really wants something else of me?

Doubt is a very powerful feeling. While it may seem like I was being overdramatic, the root of my doubts and fears was very much real. It was easy to be optimistic and confident when I was succeeding, but completely different when I acknowledged that failure was a possibility. I let doubt in, and it took over every aspect of my life for two weeks. I even struggled with prayer and the Scriptures because of this doubt.

I found out today that I got an A on both my exam and practical in kinesiology. All of that worrying and doubt, and all for nothing. The lesson I learned? (Or perhaps re-learned?)

Don’t let things of this world define you. Place your trust in God. Don’t doubt His goodness or grace. Even when life is difficult and you are struggling. Which obviously, as I have proven, is much easier written down than lived out in life. And the bottom line? Regardless of whether or not I make it successfully through the physical therapy program, as long as I am living my life to glorify God, nothing else matters.

As long as I am living my life to glorify God, nothing else matters.

As long as I am living my life to glorify God, nothing else matters.

As long as I am living my life to glorify God, nothing else matters.

Maybe this year, that needs to be my mantra. I know that these past two weeks are only the beginning of my struggles. In fact, I should be studying for the gross anatomy exam and practical I have tomorrow, even though I’ve been studying constantly the past week. But the next time things seem impossible, or I start to doubt myself, I need to spend some time in the Word, reading about the promises God has made for me.

“I said, ‘My strength is gone, and I have no hope in the Lord.’ But I have hope when I think of this: The Lord’s love never ends; His mercies never stop. They are new every morning; Lord, Your loyalty is great. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is mine, so I hope in Him.’” –Lamentations 3:18, 21-24

“Jesus said, ‘Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust in me. I leave you peace; my peace I give you. I do not give it to you as the world does. So don’t let your hearts be troubled or afraid.’” –John 14:1, 27

“Give your worries to the Lord, and he will take care of you.” –Psalm 55:22

from Jess, with love

always

prayer for a rainy Sunday morning

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."-Psalm 139, vs. 23-24

 
Dear God,
It's not always easy to smile. With all the evil in the world around us, sometimes smiling may even seem impossible. Help me to remember that when I face challenges, it is You seeing my fears and weaknesses and helping me to overcome them. Remind me to be patient. You are constantly showing me that things are done in Your time, not mine. Help me to accept this. Please give me the strength and courage to act in a way that demonstrates Your kindness and mercy. Aid me in my journey to eternal happiness, and please provide guidance when I seek it. I invite You to look within me and find things that are unpure, unholy, unlike You. Please grant me the desire to be like You in everything I do. Relieve me from the anxiety of each day and help me to understand that there is more to life than my troubles here on Earth.
Amen.

from Jess, with love

always

so long summer

Things I’m going to miss about summer…

...my summer job

...late-night campfires with friends

...fireflies

...family vacations

...not having to study

...swimming…in the lake, the ocean, the pool…wherever

...whippoorwills

...adventures with Deb

...ice cream from Two Scoops & a Cherry

...sleeping in

...lazy days floating in the creek

...counting the stars at night

...camping

...sand volleyball

...fishing

...catching up with old friends

...picking wild blackberries and raspberries

...baby deer sightings

...fish frys with Dad

...movies and popcorn in the afternoons with Peg

...having time to write

...plane fly-ins

...playing 2-on-2 volleyball with the fam

...the smell of fresh haybales

...catching crawdads and minnows

...listening to the spring peepers

...playing rummy with Uncle Maurice

...reading for fun

...the TV show Rookie Blue

...riding in the powered parachute with Dad

...baking cookies like every other day

...wearing flip-flops and shorts

...cooking dinner with the family

That’s a pretty long list considering that summer isn’t even my favorite season; fall is. I only have 5 days left to enjoy all of these things before I go back to school. Starting classes again and moving back to school is always a bittersweet thing. I am ready to see all of my college friends again and for classes to start, but not ready to say good-bye to country summers for another year.

This summer has been full of so many awesome things. From whitewater kayaking with my mother to my mission trip to Colombia to just enjoying life on the farm, I’m definitely gonna be sad to see it go. Especially since it is going to be replaced by difficult classes and not much free time. Luckily I’m already making plans for next summer, so hopefully that will keep me going through the school year.

So long summer 2011!

From Jess, with love

always

P.S.- I am NOT going to miss horseflies, heat indices of 115 degrees, slooooowwwww Internet, or mosquitoes.

the end is not the end

It’s been over two weeks since I got back from Colombia.

There’s a lot that can be said about what happens after a mission trip. I came home feeling distant and strange, almost like I didn’t belong here. I went back to my job, started working on things for school, and picked up my summer plans where I’d left off.

But my heart was still in Colombia.

Each night before I went to bed, images from the trip flashed through my mind. Children we loved, homes we visited, and the poverty that was a way of life. The entire first week that I was back in the US I took cold showers; whether it was out of habit or by choice, I don’t really know. I bit my tongue when people complained about hot weather, or how they were ‘starving’, or how terrible life was. I was so incredibly grateful for everything that God had blessed me with. Things that I hadn’t even thought to thank Him for. Like clean water. Doors and windows. Cars. Health care. An education. I longed to do so much for the children in Colombia, but felt like no matter what I did, it wouldn’t be enough.

The feelings never really go away, but they do fade a little bit. I wanted to write this while everything was still fresh in my mind. While my heart was still breaking for the people I grew to love in Colombia.

The people of Colombia truly understood that God was the only thing on this earth worth putting your hope in. For them, it was simple. Second nature. Common sense. I really listened when people we met described their lives and told us how they survived from day to day. The need in Colombia is real. Poverty there is real. For these families, starvation was a reality. Many of the children we met were victims of physical or sexual abuse. Children as young as five walked between one and five miles to get to school each day and church on Sundays. Parents couldn’t ensure that their children would grow up healthy and safe despite the many sacrifices they made.

But these people, they knew it wasn’t just by chance, or because of bad luck that they were living these lives. It was God, using them in whatever way He could to bring glory to His name. Even the children truly believed that God had a purpose for each of them. The people of Colombia showed me that having nothing really just means you have everything…in Jesus.

If only I could live that way.

If only we could all live that way.

Because even through all of the struggles they faced, these people had joy. Pure joy. It shined in their eyes. It was woven into all of their actions. And I knew that the only place this light could come from was our Lord.

Out of everything I experienced on this trip, seeing the faith and hope and joy that triumphed over adversity because of our God was the most beautiful thing to witness.

I would love to go back to Colombia. I miss the people, the scenery, the landscape, the culture…all of it. Right now, I’m looking into some one-month trips to Colombia for next summer. Maybe a mission trip, maybe teaching ESL, maybe working at an after-school program. I don’t know if I will be able to save up all the money or if I will have enough courage to go on my own, but I would love your prayers. I will be praying also, and I know if Colombia is where God wants me to be, I will end up there. Just like this year. And I take comfort knowing that this trip, just like the one to Jamaica, is just the beginning for me. I trust that God has more plans for mission work in my future.

The end is not really the end.

Once again, thanks to all of you who supported my mission with money and prayers. Colombia was such a powerful, God-filled experience for me, and I am so blessed to have all of you in my life. If you have any more specific questions about the details of my trip, or my plans for the future, don’t hesitate to ask!

from Jess, with love

always

Colombia: Through my eyes (Day 7)

July 29, 2011

Cartagena, Colombia

God is so good! Today I woke up feeling decent for the 1^st time in 4 days. I decided to go back to our work site since we were just going to be there for a ½ day to do a service project. I was so glad that I was able to fully devote myself to our mission on the last day we were here. Of course we received another warm welcome from los ninos. There was another prayer and another dance. Patricia found me again, as well as another girl named Mari. We became best friends instantly. At the end of the dance all the children we were sitting by pulled us up to go dance, too. I am not a dancer at all, but Mari was patiently teaching me, and I had so much fun. It was the highlight of my day. After that she didn’t leave my side.

We painted nails (and I got my nails painted a very un-Jess-like bright blue…haha), blew bubbles, colored, and did hair. Some girls on the team got some really cool hairstyles, while others were more….uh, interesting. :) Some kids played football, others soccer, and most the girls did crafts. It was just a great bonding experience for all of us.

Then we got to do a little painting at the center. Some of the walls looked like they could really use a new coat of paint. The children helped us paint, too, and it was really just another great opportunity to bond. Since there weren’t as many kids there today, our team was able to get more one on one time and I took this chance to get to know more about Mari and Patricia. A translator had to help us a few times, but the conversation was great. The nice thing about the older kids is that they understand we don’t know much Spanish, and they are very patient. Mari disappeared for about an hour while I was painting with several other girls, and I found out that she was with another member of the team who brought materials for friendship bracelets. She made me this beautiful bracelet and planned for another girl to take a picture of her putting it on me. I started crying, of course. It was the sweetest thing ever. I still can’t believe the generosity and thoughtfulness of these children. Leaving was very hard, but once again, I took comfort in the fact that we made a positive impact in these children’s lives, and just like in Barranquilla, it is obvious that these children are loved and cared for.

After we left our site (more tears!) we rode on a traditional bus to the market. One of my favorite things about the market is bartering, but these people were tough. I never paid full price for anything, but I didn’t get anything really cheap, either. However, I got some really great souvenirs for my family. Sometimes I felt a little bad about the bartering business, but the locals reminded us that it is part of their culture.

We were surprised tonight, leaving for dinner, to find 10 horse-drawn carriages all lined up down the street for us! Compassion was treating us to a carriage ride and a delicious dinner in the walled city. The food was unbelievable. Especially the tiramisu. I didn’t want to push it, so I only ate a little bit but I loved it. We got some great pictures of that historic area, too.

We finished the night off, as usual, with our team meeting and worship. The relationships we have formed in only 7 days are truly orchestrated by God. This team is made up of the most dedicated, passionate, God-loving people, and I am so blessed to be among them. I’ve definitely made a lot of lifelong friends here. Going home may be more of a challenge than leaving home. I’m finishing up my packing now, and it’s 1 am. This 6 am departure is gonna come way too soon!

from Jess, with love
always

Colombia: Through my eyes (Days 5 & 6)

July 27 & 28, 2011

Cartagena, Colombia

Wednesday and Thursday were rough days for me. I felt terrible on and off on Wednesday and all day on Thursday. I couldn’t even write. I just ate snacks, drank lots of water, and took some medicine, but nothing seemed to make me feel better.

Wednesday was a free day for half of the team. All the members of the team who had sponsored children in Colombia got to meet their child. We all went to Cocoliso Resort, which was part of the Islas del Rosarios. When we got to the boat dock, the children were all lined up with a staff member from their project and a translator, and watching their faces as each child recognized their sponsor was absolutely amazing. The island was beautiful. I spent most of the day napping the hammocks and then swimming with some other team members and their sponsored children. Even though I didn't have a sponsored child in Colombia, the best part of the day was getting to see the children warm up to the sponsors. At first most of them were shy or grouchy, but by the end of the day, these children did NOT want to leave. It has been so cool getting to see how Compassion and the sponsors really do make a dramatic impact on the lives of these children.

Sponsor with her child and a translator on the way to Cocoliso

Thursday was our first day at the 2^nd child development center. It was obvious that this center was in a very poor neighborhood but it was still nicer than the last center we were at. They had much bigger classrooms and even electricity and fans! Although one of their bathrooms didn’t have a door and it was open to the outside area. (The second day, though, they brought a sheet to cover the opening for us.)

Even after 5 days of being here, I am still not used to the warm welcome we receiv everywhere we go. Two long lines of kids stood to greet us and lead us to our seats. Then we listened to a welcome from the pastor and also from a 10 year old boy who recited a little speech in very good English. The same boy led the group in singing the Colombian anthem while children passed out Colombia hats. Then several girls performed yet another traditional Colombian dance, which I loved.

After the welcoming ceremony we started our VBS. When we finished the music, I started feeling awful, so I sat in the principal’s office with a fan. At first I felt guilty about just sitting there, but two wonderful women on the team came to talk and pray with me. I felt good enough after lunch to go on our home visit. The coolest thing about the visit was that my group ended up going to the house of a 12 year old girl named Patricia that had clung to me ever since I stepped off the bus that morning. She lived with su mama y dos hermanas y uno hermano. 

The house was similar to the 1^st one we went to: stone, only 2 rooms, dirt floor, no running water, no bathroom, but it seemed a little bit nicer than the previous one. They even had a refrigerator, which we learned that the mother used to sell meals and fruit. A hammock was strung across the middle of the room, which I thought was kind of neat. While our translator helped up communicate with the family, a large group of kids gathered around the open doors and windows and leaned in to watch what was going on. I thought that was kind of funny. Nowhere in the US would that happen. But here, neighbors are family. ‘What’s mine is yours’ seems to apply to everyone in these communities. The idea of privacy doesn't seem to be as important here as it is back home.

Eating watermelon with Patricia's family

 The mother had prepared a tray of fruit for us and halfway through our visit, Patricia’s older sister went the fridge and got out a huge tray of sliced watermelon for us. We learned that Patricia was the only child in the Compassion program and therefore the only one able to attend the school, although I’m sure the family received some benefits as well. Patricia loves math, and she wants to be an accountant when she grows up. I had so much respect for the mother. She said the hardest part of her life was being a mom and a dad, but thanks to Jesus and the Compassion program, they were surviving. Before we left, we gave the family our home visit gifts and prayed for them. They were incredibly grateful. While I didn’t know the family’s whole story and only spent 30 minutes with them, when I left, I genuinely cared for them. 

A picture with Patricia (in the red shirt) and her family

  I started feeling sick again on the way back to the hotel, so I didn’t eat dinner. That night we had 3 guests from Compassion’s Leadership Development Program (LDP). This program was created for kids who turn 18 and are no longer eligible for sponsorship. Compassion helps them prepare for the next phase of their lives.

Our 3 guests talked to us about what Compassion has done for them. All of them suffered from physical, emotional, and financial hardships. One boy said, “sometimes we ate, sometimes we didn’t”, and the other two shared similar stories that made me sick to my stomach. It was heartbreaking. After hearing where they are now –all of them are in college pursuing a degree- and then seeing everything I’ve seen this week, I have developed a great respect and admiration for Compassion. Compassion gives these children not just money, but hope. Love. A future. God. It has been a blessing to be on this trip and see all that Compassion does, and to be a part of that hope and love for the children of Colombia.

After the presentation, we had our team meeting and worship time. A woman from the team that I had talked to earlier that day stood up and read some verses from Psalms that she thought God wanted me to hear. The other woman came over to stand by me as I started crying uncontrollably. It has just been such a struggle being sick on this trip. I hate being sick, especially away from home and without my family. I didn’t want to miss out on anything on this trip and I didn’t want anyone on the team to think I was weak or lazy. I felt like I was wasting the money of everyone who had donated money to do this mission. I was just guilty that I wasn’t able to enjoy every day completely.

After the meeting another good talk with the same two women, I started to feel better. Thursday night I spent a lot of time praying and reading my Bible, just trying to see how I could use my sickness to glorify God. But really, I just wanted to feel better. I felt cheated. I realize that nothing gets past God, but I couldn’t understand why I was so sick, especially at a time when I thought God was going to use me in a big way. I prayed that God would give me the strength to enjoy our last day in Colombia.

from Jess, with love

always